Wanderings

The last year or so I feel like I have run out of things to blog about. The most exciting thing happening in our life was being pregnant and so I blogged about that and now I blog about Ben! Surprise Surprise.

But reading blogs I follow makes me realize that I need to blog about more then just how smiley Ben is. Yes my life has changed drastically since having a baby but there are still other things going on. Although baby thoughts are always at the top of my mind these days - especially being a working mom and not being present for the majority of Ben's day.

There are so many other things going on in my life - one of which is my dad's health. Last summer (well before that) he had been having shoulder pain and knee pain. The cause was a lack of cartilage but it also came with extreme fatigue. He was diagnosed with poly-mialga-rheumatica (pardon my complete lack of spelling of that word, just sound it out). He started taking prednisone and he felt better right away. But when he started leveling off the prednisone the symptoms came back. So last summer he saw a rheumatologist who diagnosed him with rheumatoid arthritits. But my dad did not want to take the most commonly prescribed drug because of the dangerous side effects. There is lots of informaiton either way online about the drug and how toxic it can be because its suppresses your immune system which is what makes the RA feel better since it is an autoimmune disease.

Last fall he started taking prednisone again and feeling a little better. His goal was to feel well enough and have enough strength to get his knee replaced which has contributed to his lack of mobility lately. And when he tapered off the prednisone the symptoms came back. All in all to say he has decreased mobility, has lost quite a bit of weight due to no appetite, has extreme fatigue and just doesn't feel well.

So my parents have been on a medical journey to try and determine if there are other health issues going on. It is so discouraging to have them visit doctor after doctor and I know it must be discouraging for them to keep coming away with no clear answers after loads of tests done - on his heart, his lungs, blood draws and so far everything has come back negative. The only thing they found and treated was pneumonia which was giving him shortness of breath.

I guess I feel like I need to share it because in a way it is therapeutic to get it all out in the open and write about it instead of keeping it inside. I tend to bottle things up until it gets to full and I burst so I need all the practice I can get to vent and get things out to help my own health and sanity.

It has been very hard to trust God through this process. I love my dad dearly and with now with a new baby I want him to be around so that Ben has good memories of his granddad (my dad's preferred title). But I see his health declining and I worry that his quality of life will just keep getting worse. I will be honest it's very hard to trust that God has a purpose in all of this when all I want is for my dad to be physically healed and better. God is working on transferring my knowledge of Him from my brain to my heart. My brain knows He is good and He works ALL things for the good of those who love them (with an eternal perspective). But my heart wants His good to be manifested the way I want it to be. And that is the journey I am on.

Thank you for reading through it with me.